That's right, value seekers -- and there's a seeker born every minute -- we're having our quadrennial Presidential Liquidation Sale days early, by popular demand... (and by our own insistence that we get all these odds and ends out of here, and out from under foot, before someone in this overstuffed warehouse accidentally gets hurt or maimed.)
We might have lost our lease! (Although Aunt Tilly says it might be in the junk drawer.) We've definitely lost our minds! (You kidding me? This campaign has gone on long enough to drive anyone completely bats.) But, we haven't yet lost our nerve! (That's right, if you don't come see us today, we can't make any money!)
You name it, we've got it! Come in today while selection is still best! We've got slightly irregular online pieces and blurbs... factory-second factoids and full-length facts... as well as custom-spun yarns and well-waxed tales -- and, all with your mind in mind!
There's the regular and the big-and-tall of it, the serious and silly, the outrageous and sedate, and the long and the short of it -- which is just about the long and short of it for us! We're overstocked with online inventory and our server is jammed up with storage costs! Come on down and help us pass along the economy-of-scale savings, right on to you!
Check out our clearance anecdote rack -- buy one, get fifteen free! Now, if that isn't a sweet sixteen deal, nothing is! And, just take a look at all these superfluous, wordy, periphrastic, roundabout, circumlocutin' speeches in the bargain bin -- only a dollar-a-holler'd page... less than half a penny a word -- guaranteed, at least two hundred fifty empty words on every sheet! Wow!
Yes, there's always something for everyone at The Presidential Outlet Store, where you'll always get more than you bargained for, waaay more than you need or want, and at prices that haven't seen daylight for at least the last four years!
Stop in today and say "desperation for something to read" sent you, and we'll give you a free pamphlet on How to Stop All That Political Cramping from Ruining Your Day, Furniture, and Clothing! Swing by and say, "I've got these huge mood swings and I just can't take it anymore!" and we'll steer you to the discounted humor section for fast, fast relief!
No reasonable offer will be refused! Everything must go, and keep on going -- and, with any luck, it'll never head back this way or ever be heard from again in these parts! Yessirreee, it's almost time to put this one to sleep (Thank goodness we won't have to "put it down" after all -- it looks like it'll finally expire, all on its own), so don't be caught napping!
You snooze, you lose, souvenir seekers, bargain hunters, and election fanatics! So, hurry in now, during our mammoth, behemoth, humongous -- and yet, really quite tidy, if we do say so ourselves -- quadrennial Presidential Blowout Extravaganza!
Offer now available at all Presidential Outlet Stores, coast to coast, as well as the tri-state area, and just down the street at that cheesy strip mall you've always been reallll leery of. Supplies limited to stock on and/or in hand. All items -- like permission to vote -- may not be available at all locations. No rain checks accepted during this liquidation event -- please pay cash instead. Dealers are encouraged to place bids early in sealed envelopes containing a few favorite quotes (if you get our drift) from Benjamin Franklin -- our only president who was never actually president. Sorry, offer not available in Sector R, or up in the hills, after curfew. No refunds, starting today, after... say, what time is it right now?
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Hungry for even less meaning than you're already getting? Take a look at these celebrity-prez possibilities, and make the current choices more palatable than they've seemed in years!
No? Too light and fluffy? How about something with a little more staying power? Take a look at these factory-fresh stats, that Super PACs and others have spent more than $840 million on this bread-'n'-circuses circus so far, with the tally expected to go much higher by the time all is said and done?
Heck, that's $2.70 for every man, woman, and child in the country -- with the pay-outs due to go even higher. Whaddya say, just between you and me, that they should have slipped us all that amount, direct-like, and save all this moaning, groaning, and over-manufactured guff?
I could do without Romney playing "Twister" with the truth all the time, like he does with the auto bailout -- trying to back-and-fill into a better parking place with his mouth, when he doesn't even know how to parallel park!
Just in Ohio, I read people there've been exposed to 80 days worth of political commercials, just in the last month! Something like 12,200 Romney ads, and 2,700 for Obama, just in the last two weeks. It's like "Jaws" or somethin' -- don't go near the water, or in this case, the teevee!
Not your cup of tea? How about something with an international flair, even though Mitt's cluelessness pursues him relentlessly outside our country's borders, just like at home? Here's a nice souvenir snapshot of poll numbers, of how the rest of the world views the two candidates for that office. Pretty revealing, huh?
Leave something to the imagination? Well, let's see here... There's this thin-weight summary of topics that have been missing from the so-called debates, items no-one's touched yet with a 10-foot pole...
... Or, as far as the truth goes -- now, that's been pretty rare off ol' Mitt's lips -- here's an op-ed that wonders what the White House fit would be like for a liar. Say, you know -- that makes me wonder. Can an empty suit see himself in a mirror?
And, you know, if he can... How can he, look at himself in the mirror, I mean, spinning and twirling the truth everywhere he goes, telling every group he's in front of "hell yes," knowing that later, his fanny's going to be in the fire later when he has to admit, "hell no"? How can anyone look himself in the mirror after pulling that... stuff? And still sleep at night? Not me, all I can say.
You're not sure? Well, here's one hot off the truck -- what do you do with a guy who takes a real disaster, then, throws around some money in order to buy a staged photo op, like Romney did? Hey -- It's just like Ryan's little dish-washing photo-op-fiasco a bit ago. Can you believe these sharks, their egos, and their need to be seen doing something good for people -- but don't really care to do anything good for people, at the same time?
Then, we also have a spin-the-wheel number, where you can see what others are using this season to pick the winner -- a chance to see what the Joneses are up to, you know?
Something more thoughtful, huh? Well, we have two in stock that come to mind. One has an insightful look at personas, and the effect of a winning personality on actually winning... and the other is a very thought-provoking piece from Chauncey DeVega on the subject of race's roles in such a race.
His works show up all over -- at NPR, AlterNet, and everywhere. You should search for him online sometime, and take a look at his riffs at a number of sites. Not quite there as yet? How about a wild card attempt -- a chance to win a $1,000 scholarship by writing a better campaign speech?
No? Not quite loony enough? We've got just what you need! Feel the rich texture, strength, durability, and feel of this material! All-celebrity-endorsed, and ready to go, too!
Still have a few left in stock of The Beast's Official, Autographed Scam-Call Capper to Wisconsin Governor Alfred E. Neuman -- I mean, Scott Walker -- by the pretend-David Koch. That one's always a big hit, with a nice, heady, seasonal air of loathsome greed and wretched manipulation by the feckless elite...
Then, let's see... How about the creator of the "Dilbert" cartoons giving Mittens a sort-of endorsement? Then, to hammer it right out of the park, there's the endorsement of Joss Whedon for the Mittster, too.
Doesn't ring a bell? He's the creator of "Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog" and those "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" shows. Yeah, that's him. He thinks Romney would be perfect to help bring the country squarely back onto the path of the zombie apocalypse. And I couldn't agree more!
Hmmm? No, I'm sorry. We're all out of the Samuel L. Jackson signature, special, 2012 alarm-clock-hoodie, that crazy-popular Wake The F Up! model. I tell you... You should have seen how fast that one moved! Why, the minute we put out a new shipment, they'd be gone again, just like that. Couldn't keep any on the shelves!
You might want to try Google's, just down the way. They might be getting in some more, later today. Oh, before you go -- how about the perfect gift for yourself or someone special? It's a gift basket we here in the shop whipped up a while ago...
You take the current candidates' preferences in mind when making yourself an adult entertainment beverage, as we like to say, along with some background on the booziest Presidents ever, and how alcohol has followed chief executives around like damp raccoon fur and old bacon grease on a hangover victim's stomach and tongue...
Oh, sorry... Yes, I know. My stomach's been lurching for the past two years, too. I'm really sorry about that. Well, thanks for coming in -- have a great day! Buh-bye!
Ohhhhhhh, mannnnnn. Could I ever use a drink right about now in this election cycle...
Hey, now there's an idea -- an election cycle. Self-powered, driverless, rudderless, automatically plows into every tree, bashes into every building, and careens and caroms into any obstacle in sight, but keeps going in circles anyway, faster and faster... Could be just the ticket to my first million!
Thanks and a tip of the hat to Firesign Theatre, and others, for the low-interest loan on a couple key phrases here, as well as to the makers of every over-the-counter headache remedy, digestion aid, and woozy-upset-stomach reliever known to Western civilization. Thank you... and.... oooah-urrf! Geez, I'm sorry -- 'scuse me, there.
As for inventory... here's what's still left in stock -- please feel free to take a look around. Have you been in before? No? OK, for new customers, we recommend you tie this rope around your waist, so you don't get lost in here.... Just to be safe. Thanks. Holler if you need help.
Pick a celeb prez: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-19992394
$840 million: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2012/10/30/173114/outside-groups-have-spent-840.html
Ohio Romney auto-flubs again: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/10/31/in-ohio-ads-mitt-romney-fails-auto-101.html
Ohio ad shock: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/10/15/it-s-all-about-ohio.html
World favorite: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-20008687
Name the missing topics: http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2012/10/23/163488809/during-debates-silence-on-some-issues-was-deafening
A liar's fit: http://readersupportednews.org/opinion2/277-75/14274-romneys-latest-lie-and-why-we-must-not-put-liars-in-the-white-house
Romney bought a donation event: http://www.clevelandleader.com/node/19290
Ryan washed clean dishes: http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheats/2012/10/16/ryan-ramrods-way-into-photo-op.html
Predictors: http://www.npr.org/2012/10/15/162950490/october-surmise-predicting-the-next-president
Does a winning personality help win: http://www.npr.org/2012/10/23/163487916/charming-cold-does-presidential-personality-matter
Real burdens of race: http://www.alternet.org/speakeasy/chaunceydevega/real-burdens-black-president-double-standards-and-polite-white-racism?page=0%2C1
Speech contest: http://www.c2educate.com/campaign-speech-writing-contest/?gclid=CMix5aShm7MCFeGDQgod0DoAbg
Beast/Koch vs. Gov. Walker: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBnSv3a6Nh4
Dilbert backs Mitt: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/18/dilbert-scott-adams-romney-marijuana_n_1982132.html?utm_hp_ref=offthebus
Whedon wants Mitt: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/oct/29/mittromney-us-elections-2012
Whedon's plug for a Zomney apocalypse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TiXUF9xbTo&feature=youtu.be
Dr. Horrible will see you now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esiIFLI3ryI
- and -
President as cocktail: http://liquor.com/recipes/the-president/
The drinker-est Prezzzezzz ev-vurr : http://www.11points.com/News-Politics/11_Drunkest_Presidents_in_US_History
2012 Candidates' preferences: http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/08/15/usa-campaign-beer-idUSL2E8JFI3Z20120815
Wrath of Grapes: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/04/21/the-wrath-of-grapes-2/
