Update on our universe's intersection with the Bizarro realm's version: Effects continue to ripple and pulse outward in huge waves, like pychosis-tsunami wannabes.
Researchers say the impact is anywhere from as little as a two percent increase in most lifeforms, to as much as three quadrillion percent as severe in Republicans, based on observable behaviors and statements, not on any increased understanding as yet of the phenomenon itself.
You may remember the most recently-felt effects were triggered by -- or culminated in -- Uber-One-Percenter Willard Romney's selection of Teabagger Paul Ryan as a running mate.
"Depth and duration of symptoms really run the gamut in this thing," said Dr. Oliver Hellenbach, Verity Department Chair of the Astoot-Klevver Mind Institute, "from confusion of fact and fantasy, as we see in Romney, to the complete breakdown in reality seen in Ryan -- which fully explains the budget mirages of one, and the absolute inability of the other to keep his story straight."
Professor Helena Hann-Baskit, lead researcher at Kanni-Keene College's Brain Studies Division, adds, "Given the uptick of absurd anomalies in behavior spotted only in Republicans to date, it's obvious they are far more affected -- somehow more vulnerable to these unseen forces, whatever they may be -- than are regular human beings."
Both scientists readily admit very little is yet known about the Bifurcated, Infrared, Zeta-waved Arrhythmias (Randomized in Rapid Oscillations), or "Bizarro" effect from the inferred intersection of the two universes, but agree the effect is real, and is clearly intensified in Republicans -- even those as moderate as Genghis Khan, Atilla the Hun, or Caligula.
In noting recent behaviors attributable only to psychosis or the Bizarro effect, researchers pointed to the mental difficulties being experienced by Missouri Rep. Todd Akin, in his remarks regarding victims of "legitimate rape" not becoming pregnant, as women's bodies, he said, had the ability to "shut down" pregancy in such situations.
The defense of Akin by Iowa Rep. Steve King was equally suspicious of Bizarro contagion, based on King's statement that he'd never heard of a child becoming pregnant from statutory rape or incest -- instantly refuting more than two thousand years of troubling, and tearful, human history, all in one fell swoop.
"There appears to be a hysterical inflammation of the reflexive defense mechanism toward others perceived as also being affected," observed Dr. Hellenbach. "Once the effect takes hold in the brain's language centers, it escalates almost immediately to massively confused, incoherent, and raving-mad speech-making."
As additional example, Dr. Hellenbach noted Rep. King's recent remarks regarding people in multicultural groups as being people "who feel sorry for themselves." Dr. Hellenbach added, "He may have been attuned to early Bizarro effects, based on his previous statements comparing immigrants to dogs, and wanting to sue the government to deport children."
Prof. Hann-Baskit agrees, citing all three men -- Akin, King, and Paul Ryan -- showed early, but clearly definite, Bizarro symptoms when they banded together to sponsor H.R. 3, allowing abortions only for victims of "forcible rape," a term the three men coined for the occasion.
"This implies variant stages of non-forcible rape, clearly aberrant thinking," Prof. Hann-Baskit stated, "as well as abhorrent."
Both scientists have combined their databases tracking Bizarro outbreaks, saying that signs first appeared after the election of Ronald Reagan as president, but really skyrocketed when Bush, the junior, was installed in the Oval Office.
"The Bizarro indicators were already flying pretty high, but, all throughout the Republican primary season, the peaks have been truly spectacular, especially during appearances by Michele Bachmann and the Ricks -- Perry and Santorum," according to Dr. Hellenbach.
"But, when Romney seemed to take the party nod, all the Bizarro indicators became red hot -- almost as high as whenever Sarah Palin would try to hog the spotlight somewhere," he said.
Prof. Hann-Baskit agrees, adding, "There are no shortages of Bizarro-effect examples here. Take Paul Ryan -- there's his nonsensical but frightening budget proposals, along with all the Republican faithful who have fallen madly in love with sheer lunacy. Plus, there's Ryan's defense of stimulus payments under Bush but not under Obama, or his blaming an auto plant closure on Obama that actually happened on Bush's watch. It just goes on and on like this."
The Bizarro effect continues to spread across the country, recently fingering Lubbock County, Texas, judge Tom Head, who warns the nation will collapse into civil war if Obama is re-elected.
Dr. Hellenbach said, "Obama's election really brought the racists out of the woodwork, scuttling around like cockroaches and dung beetles -- witness the "Don't re-Nig" bumper stickers, the effigies hung from crosses outside churches, so-called 'presidential' outhouses bearing racist graffiti towed to Republican conventions and gatherings -- you name it."
"Any of these rude, crude, disrespectful, or other such terrible things done under Bush would have had the military police out in force, raking the crowds with machine-gun fire -- as it was, we almost had that happen if anyone dared to ask Bush or Cheney any questions during those eight years of terror, right here at home!" stated Prof. Hann-Baskit.
She added, "And, let's not forget early-Bizarro-boy Joe Wilson of South Carolina who shouted 'You lie!' during a speech by a standing President of the United States, during a joint session of Congress. If he'd tried that under Bush, he'd have been shot dead by the Sergeant at Arms under command of Dick Cheney," Prof. Hann-Baskit stated, adding, "Wilson may be a real piece of work, but Cheney was our very first clue that something was well and truly wrong with our universe."
Dr. Hellenbach says the Bizarro incidents have continued to increase exponentially. "The most recent topper is a toss-up, probably, between the GOP's approval of the most conservative, selfish, thick-headed platform benefitting only the top one percent in this country, or the addition of seven 'birthers' to the list of speakers at the Republican convention in Florida."
"Either way," echoed Prof. Hann-Baskit, "you're not going to be able to tell the Bizarro Universe from our own, not anytime soon. Instead of our usual, 'squared-away' world, it'll be more like 'Bizarro-squared.'"
