In times of crisis, Republicans always rush in, providing their own special brand of comic relief, if nothing else.
And, it always is nothing else.
House Republicans, for example, recently demonstrated a new way to flush 50 million tax dollars down the toilet -- the cost to taxpayers for taking 33 repeated, knowingly futile, politically-staged attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act, the helpful, but anemic, new healthcare law.
50 million dollars, not counting the $139,752.63 it cost to install, in the well of the House, a working toilet for the cash-flushing fest by Republicans, who are themselves always extra-flush, thanks to the ability to approve their own raises, among other perks. The cost of passing emergency legislation allowing temporary use of a high-flow toilet was extra, too.
(Something stronger was needed to get all those elephant-choking rolls of hundreds to flush in one try. And, in a related development, a number of sewer rats, and some alligators, have now been seen vacationing in very posh spots in Hawaii and on the Riviera.)
Meanwhile, the resolution also required placement of emergency back-up chamberpots in House chambers. Luckily, thanks to 100% Republican membership in the organization, the Chamberpot of Commerce instantly came through -- leftover from the Bush regime -- with a thousand ornately lidded, silver-and-chrome models, handily matching the jewel-encrusted spoons many members were born sporting in, um, a variety of locations.
Even so, after all these valiant efforts, and two full weeks of flushing, House Republicans were left with nothing to show for those 50 million bucks. This is not unusual, of course, but hindsight says they might have deployed their countless comic-relief clown-car think-tank operators for advice.
Possible recommendations? A wild, toilet-paper-the-rotunda-and-tanning-beds Merlot party, or an epic food fight that included constituents always pestering members about jobs, food, shelter, clothing, health care, and other absurd luxuries for the masses.
In either case, it could be done in two weeks, from prep to party to dragging out the dead and sprucing up before the adults came home. And, you know, after looking online -- even with shipping, it turns out 50 million can still get you a surprising amount of toilet paper. Or, cream pies, deli chili, Jell-O cups, rice pudding, Tater Tots, slingshots, and string-cheese-in-a-can.
It'd be a win-win -- plenty of bonding and networking, plus, more incriminating video to add to the 33 repeal attempts footage, for use on the Posers and Hosers teevee awards show.
Hell, say advisers, for a couple million, you could probably secure the rights to squeeze the damn Charmin in public. Peace at last. Peace in our time.
Republicans on the Senate side? That Goon Platoon spent all their time fighting for the rights of corporations and kings -- and anyone else with very deep liquid assets -- to hijack, in complete privacy, any American election that caught someone's fancy. Well, enough so they'd stack up pallets of Ben Franklins by each Republicans Senator's office door -- as tips, plus expenses, come each one's own election run.
Of course, Senators could themselves bypass the formality of election to office, and simply arrange a self-purchase, with employee discount, through the Congressional duty-free shop.
These Republicans are such amateur wasters of tax dollars! True, they rip through trillions for death and destruction -- but how much of that goes for Senate cultural events like "Take Your Hooker to Work" Day?
Missed opportunities! Republicans could be holding huge, live auction events, for all manner of state and national offices, over at C-SPAN, or the Organ Sales Channel, or Pay-to-Play.com.
At first, Sotheby's might have to show them the ropes, but then, Republicans could take over, when ready, and totally corrupt that process, too.
Come to think of it, Republicans might have to hold their auctions at the U.N., especially as many foreign individuals, and countries, would love to bid on elections here -- or, if really well-heeled and short on time, purchase an election using the Buy-It-Now feature.
(In focus groups, dictators from the world over have repeatedly said this feature would help make their plights -- and their sudden, exiting flights from former homelands -- much more convenient.)
Anyway, at the U.N., the overhead's already paid, plus, you'd have plenty of translators already in place and revved up to work the phones.
Auction profits would go to Republican officeholders, of course, for their assorted junket, personal retirement, and potential work-release programs. The Top One Percent would get a 25% cut, right off the top -- patriotically settling for less than is their rightful and entitled due as generationally-permanent VIPs -- while squatters (entities formerly known as citizens) would continue to pay for running the country, and everything else.
Through the neck. While laughing. Like now.
