Meanwhile, at a radio show's live remote location: So, hi, everyone, thanks for coming out and joining us today! Raise your hand if you paid no attention whatever to yesterday's GOP voting. Boy, people were calling it all sorts of things -- we heard Super Tuesday, Souper Bluesday, Stooper Duesday, Stupid Foolsday, Stupor Ghoulsday, even Blooper Toolsday. OK, good, thank you.
We have some lovely runner-up, parting gifts for you, for all of you who raised your hands, if you'll please follow our staff -- yes, there they are -- back out to our vans in the mall parking lot. Give them a nice round of applause, everyone -- what great sports, thanks for coming by The Really Big Maul Shopping Arena today!
OK now, so, everyone else who paid close interest, who paid close attention to yesterday's voting: Now that you've been exposed to those proceedings, you'll be allowed to slip back into your comas by your nurses here, in just a bit -- but, first, we need to run you through the delousing stations, and a psychological debriefing and interview with -- guess who! -- Rush Limbaugh's GOP-opinion-generating-and-consulting-staff! That's right! What a great surprise, don't you think? And, after a thorough, rubber-glove screening to see if you might qualify as new advertisers for the Jowly Man show, you can sign up to win a trip with His Most Majestic Tonnage himself, on his very own private jet, The Lardbottom Descender!
All you listeners can get in on this, also -- just write in to the show with this week's secret inslut word -- I mean, insult word, silly me -- and you can get a special, autographed, souvenir list of Captain Asshat's favorite affronts and defamations, and bonus list of racist slurs and epithets, too!
Plus, if you sign up this week, you'll be added to that amazing, special offer we've been talking about for months... Getting a hand-signed, physical-body upgrade to Rush's own performance standards and specs! That's right -- you'll get the keepsake heart-ectomy, the instantaneous lobotomy, free installation of Bionic Lunatic hearing implants -- in lush, sixth-century styling and dictionary-philosophy package -- plus, a Little Champ 200 Personality Sewage-Sludger-Enhancer from Wankko, leaders in darkening, twisting, and pinching off the very bluest of skies!
So, write in for a chance at the bonus package! Why wait for years of radio listening to do all the hard work, desiccating your heart, and burning out of your mind that stubborn, think-for-yourself ability, when we can do it for you in just a few hours! Win with Rush -- say good bye to the old, horrible you, and then say, "Hey! Howdy!" to a bright, new, robotic, ditto-headed you -- the way all Rush's listeners wish they could be!
OK, then. On to today's drawing in the "Appreciate Your Wall Street Speculator and Fat Cat" contest -- today's prize goes to M. T. Krayniam of Hazzard Falls, for this little ditty: "There's not an ounce of refined fillip in my many gallons of gasoline fill-up!" Thank you, M.T., that was lovely -- and many happy returns and refills on the day! Our prize package is on its way -- a lovely assortment of complimentary Spam luncheon meats! Just what's needed after a heavy day of Apocalypse and Armageddon! Thanks again for playing!
Well, time for news headlines, now -- Looks like we're all being Fukushima'd right now, in the amount of radiation that we're... No, wait a moment. Um, the USDA has just picked up seven million pounds of chemically treated meat slime for the school lunch.... No, that can't be right. The NRC now appears willing to let 120 million Americans -- no, just a sec please. Fluoridation promoters have -- sorry, technical troubles here. Uh, fracking has been found to be hazard -- no, nope. The, um, X-L Pipeline -- no, no, please hold on. Protesters say the oil companies and the big banks... no, not that one. Caramel coloring in soda has been found to cause... whoops, hang on a sec. Ah! Here we go! The military's American Forces Radio Network says it will continue to air Rush's propa... I mean, Rush's regular show, five days a week, just like always! How about them apples, right!
Turning now to weather, widespread patches of warm, unseasonably hot weather have been reported all over the gl.... uh, we'll get back to that in moment.
OK, let's put on our tinfoil hats and lighten up now, and get ready for the light-hearted look at the news! Here is your customized, much-more-sensible, mixed-up mishmash, and hashed-up-mash-up, and dog's breakfast of today's low-slung, lowered-fat, almost-calorie-free, softball news -- for a more youthful, beautiful, and soft-headed you!
Well, let's see here -- there's been an outbreak of black-and-white news intruding on our usual comfy shades of gray... People in the U.S., China, Saudi Arabia, and other countries are wishing the Oreo cookie a happy birthday. First baked in 1912, the taste treat is turning 100 years old this year! How about that!
And, in Tokyo, an endanger...uh, a year-old Humboldt penguin broke out of an aquarium, scaled a wall, fled into an area river, and was last seen heading for Tokyo Bay. Efforts were underway to recapture it, but officials say it was a struggle as it swam "at tremendous speed." Well, imagine that! Isn't that wild!
Well, thanks for being with us today on the show. Coming up next -- a whole lot more entertainment from the master of fun and frivolty, a whole lot more Rush -- what a great entertainer! -- absolutely no real news of any kind expected there, right, folks! We'll be right back, after this quick word from Fat-Bass-Bottom Boats!
